When is it enough? – Guest Post

September 8, 2009 by admncc

Here at The Constant Complainer, in addition to my own posts, readers can submit Guest Posts on topics they’d like to complain about.  Sugar submitted the below-Guest Post.  Her complaint is regarding a drunken stranger and their chance meeting.  I’m sure many people will be able to relate to her story.  Enjoy and without further adieu, here’s Sugar…

When is enough enough?  Here’s my question: Is it right to start an argument with a total stranger over what they said?  My husband and I went to a cookout over the holiday weekend.  We didn’t arrive until later in the evening, so when we got there, the alcohol was flowing.  We weren’t planning on staying late because we only knew two people there; that and the crowd was not the most desirable people we wanted to be around anyway.

So my husband and I were standing by the picnic area talking.  Everyone else is over by the 20-foot fire, telling hunting stories, redneck punch lines and drinking more beer.  As my husband and I were talking, a man came up who had been drinking.  He started off the conversation by telling my husband, “What a lucky SOB you are to have such a good lookin’ woman.  He said he “didn’t know how to contain himself while I was standing there.” He also made two more extremely inappropriate comments, and did I mention that he kept grabbing his crotch as he was saying this?  My husband just stood there and was nodding, agreeing with this jerk.  Finally, I was so uncomfortable that I told the guy that what he was saying was inappropriate and yanked the keys out of my husbands pocket and said that we were leaving. 

My question is:  What else did this man have to do in order for my husband to say something?  Not start a fight, but say something?

My husband’s rationale was that the guy had been drinking and he didn’t want to start a fight.  I know that this guy had been drinking, but he could have said, “Hey, that’s my wife.  You can stop saying that.” Or, “That’s a little inappropriate, why don’t you stop.”  I’m sure the guy would have apologized and stopped, but instead, he kept going on and on and on.

What would you have done?  I also thought this was an interesting topic based on the recent Roger Stephens story.  He is accused of slapping a random two-year-old girl in a Georgia Walmart, because the child was being too loud.  Is this how strangers act?  You decide.

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Comments

  1. NeoConDon says:

    I would have listened to my wife when she said let’s go. Your husband was correct to not engage this guy. He would not have started a fight, but he likely would have had to finish one. If you only knew two people there, you likely would not have been missed. Go get some ice cream and catch a movie.

  2. […] The Constant Complainer – 101 – Recent post: When is it enough? – Guest Post […]

  3. Marissa says:

    I can understand how your husband didn’t quite know how to respond to the sloppy horndog drunk. A simple “Dude, you’re embarrassing yourself” would’ve sufficed. Hubby could’ve also told the guy to get a hold of himself, but apparently, he was already doing just that.

  4. Zig says:

    Anything your husband would have said to that hillbilly would have been misunderstood and may have even been seen as an invitation to fight. Drunk, horny hilllbillies aren’t the smartest, most logical people. If you only knew two people at the bondfire and a majority of the people at the bondfire were hillbillies, I would say your husband did the correct thing. Would you have picked up your husband’s teeth after 15 hillbillies beat the shit out of him? Would you have even gotten involved in the fight… when he was getting his ass kicked by a bunch of drunk hillbillies? That is why he didn’t say anything to that horny, inappropriate hillbilly!

  5. Jane says:

    A great post, Sugar. I’m single, but can understand your position. And don’t get me wrong. Even if I was dating and this happened, I think your husband should have put a stop to it. Even if he did it politely.

  6. Timmy says:

    There is no reasoning with the type of person you described in your post. There is no polite way to tell someone who is that drunk anything. It will be misunderstood. Your husband did the right thing. He could have stood up for your honor but he most likely would still be picking up his teeth with broken fingers.

    Fights like that don’t tend to be one-on-one altercations and you two only knowing a couple people at the party leaves you dangerously outnumbered. The smart thing to do would be to just walk away and leave, you even saying anything to him as you stormed off probably put the two of you in danger.

    Be the bigger person. As for you being disapponted with your husband you need to decide what you want. It sounds like you are disappointed that he didnt act more like the hillbillies and fight for you. I don’t understand how you complain about the “hillbillies” behavior in the beginning of the post and and then complain about your husband not acting like a meathead later on

  7. ZXT says:

    I would probably do the same thing. My wife is almost like that. She thinks if I didn’t do anything then I’m not protecting her. Little did she know that the reason for me being silent and calm is to protect her.

    Anything you say will probably provoke the drunken guy and then hell will break lose and I bet you wouldn’t like it.

  8. Sugar says:

    I don’t expect my husband to act like a ‘meat head’ or a hillbilly. I know the guy was drinking. My hubby could have said something politely or attempted to changed the subject, but he didn’t. That’s when I had to say something and walk away. I don’t expect anyone to start a fight or get into an argument with a drunk person, but words could have been said to tone him down a little. That’s all.

  9. NeoConDon says:

    As difficult as it is to admit it Sugar, Zig and Timmy are right. You were correct to say let’s go, but incorrect to expect your husband to say anything. It would not help the situation, and would likely hurt it. He’s the clear winner here…He did what you asked of him, and kept his mouth shut. That’s usually very difficult for a man to do. Besides, it is possible that you he IS one lucky SOB to have you as a woman, and he agreed with the drunk guy?

  10. I think your husband did the right thing by not saying anything to this guy. Anything he could have said would have been taken as a challenge by the sounds of this drunk idiot and he was probably one of those guys that would love to show up a guy in front of his wife.

    Having said that, being a former marine and all, I would’ve probably said something like” yeah dude, I can’t blame you for ogling my pretty wife, considering the pig you brought to the party.

    Be thankful only words were exchanged.

  11. Bill says:

    I may be in the minority, but if he was mouthing off and I’d had a few beers, I might have gotten mouthy.

  12. Sugar says:

    NCD-If a stranger came up to your wife or your teenage daughter while you were with her and began to talk innapropriate to her, wouldn’t you at least initiate some sort of conversation to steer it away, or to politely say, ‘knock it off’? Not fighting, but polite conversation?

    I’m not looking to win or lose, but I guess you had to be there for yourself.

    I’m not sure what you mean when you said that ‘he did what you asked and kept his mouth shut’????

  13. Timmy says:

    Sugar I get the feeling that you havent been in this situation before. When someone is intoxicated to the point where they think actions like this are socially acceptable there is NO POLITE way of doing or saying anything to stop them. It is obvious that you arent dealing with someone with a strong moral character who is going to apologize for their behavior. I think that the crotch grabbing should have given that away.

    What resolution were you looking for? If it was for him to stop and apologize. You are being unrealistic based on the situation and description that you gave. He is going to (a) become more vulgar and inappropriate to the point where your husband will have to do something about it or (b)swing first and ask questions later.

    As for someone coming up to my wife or daughter or nieces and being inappropriate with them, I would get them out of harms way long before engaging a drunk person in what will only end up as a one-sided debate. Its not that I wouldnt want to say anything or even hit the guy in the mouth, but that will in all liklihood put me and my family in more danger and their safety is my main concern

  14. Tristan says:

    The day will come again when women aren’t obsessed with being superior to men. I’d bet you’ll even be able to call them submissive by today’s standards. When that day comes, I’d expect chivalry to be right there as well.

    I’m not making any blanket statements about you individually, Sugar, but the personification of woman today has pushed her man away in her quest for independence and only now does she realize she doesn’t really like it all that much. If your life has created a showcase to how strong and independent you are, your man is going to be that much weaker to compensate and will likely assume you can handle yourself in these sorts of situations. Besides that, unless you’re a prude, why would some off color comments even bother you? This is the world we have created for ourselves.

    Just the opinion of an uptight prude at heart, living in a lonely world… I am actually surprised that no one sympathizes with you, though by my own logic I suppose I shouldn’t be.

  15. NeoConDon says:

    Based on what you wrote Sugar, you said let’s go, and you left without argument from your husband. Now you’re mad that he didn’t say anything to this moron. He should not have said anything to him, and in my opinion, you are wrong for wanting him to. Any putz that is comfortable saying what he said is going to take any correction made to him as confrontational.

    Your premise is that if your husband “say(s) something, not start a fight, but say somthing” is way off. In the case of this drunk guy, it is likely enough for your husband to assume that saying anything to this guy is in reality, starting a fight with him. Your husband had to determine whether it was worth getting his ass kicked in this situation, or tell a drunk guy to stop calling his wife hot…seems to me that your husband made the correct choice, and you should be thanking him.

  16. The Constant Complainer says:

    I was at a wedding about a month ago where a slightly similar incident happened. A buddy walks up to me and says, “Wow, did you see the lady in the blue dress. She has a nice a**.” Little did he realize that she was on the other side of me and I was talking to her. My buddy was a little intoxicated to say the least.

    Anyway, she heard him, but before she could say anything, even though I didn’t really know her, I said, “Hey, cool it with that talk and calm down.” And he did.

    Everyone talking about Sugar’s husband fighting missed the point. Common sense – say something politely and the situation resolves itself.

  17. Sugar says:

    Timmy- I have been in a situation like that before, with a drunk guy with no other ‘men’ around (although I wish there had been someone else there). I flat out told the guy to cut it out (nicely) and he did. No fighting or arguing whatsoever. The resolution that I was looking for was for this stranger to stop talking ‘dirty’ to me in front of my husband. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for. Not once did I mention punching the guy or fighting with him.

    Tristan- I am not obsessed with being superior over men. I haven’t created an ‘off color’ world for myself. I can take a joke, even a comment here or there, but I flat out refuse to be treated like that. That is why I told him that he was innapropriate and then I left.

    NCD- You wouldn’t say anything to anyone as long as they were a Republican. Maybe it would help if I told you this guy was a Democrat.

    CC- Thank you. That’s my point.

  18. Timmy says:

    CC,

    A buddy at a wedding and a “hillbilly” at a bonfire are two completely different situations.

    Say something in that situation or at a bar on the east side of cleveland on a friday or sat night and let me know how the polite talk works out for you?

  19. Timmy says:

    Sugar, don’t get me wrong i’m sorry that you were in this situation. That point seemed to be lost in my posts. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.

  20. Tristan says:

    Sugar, I didn’t say you did anything in particular, just that this is the world we’ve created. It goes with the territory, so to say.

    Still, you don’t really strike me as a damsel in distress, either…so maybe you’re not as much an exception as you may think. Do you need to be protected? If not, why do you expect it?

  21. otin says:

    If the guy was drunk, it would have been easier to put a fist in his face!

  22. Sugar says:

    I’m so not a damsel in distress. Obviously if it came down to it I can take care of myself. Does that make me a feminist? No.

    Would any of you walk up to a stranger and start to say innapropriate sexual things?

    Thanks for the comments :). I now know that there is a majority of the male population has lost their manners and their balls. I see it’s the world that you have created for yourselves…..

  23. Bill says:

    Why is it that every guy fears having a daughter? Because they know the daughter will meet boys just like the father was at their age.

  24. NeoConDon says:

    I am not a republican sugar…

  25. Hi CC. I gave you an award you can find here. http://thestarceleb.com/2009/09/09/the-star-celeb-wins-from-me-to-you-award/ Please extend it to three blogger friends with same instructions :) Thanks for being a great blogger buddy!

  26. Tristan says:

    Exactly, Sugar. And the majority of women want to be men.

  27. ZXT says:

    I agree with Timmy. A buddy and a drunk hillbilly are like Fire and Ice. Not to mention Sugar and her Husband was in a place where they hardly know anyone. You were at the wedding so you might know half of the people there.

    Sugar: it’s different if a woman say something to a drunk guy than another male saying the same thing as the later will prolly provoke the drunk guy. I wish there’s no repeat situation just to prove my point.

  28. C. Princess says:

    I agree with what Timmy wrote, “There is no reasoning with the type of person you described in your post” but at the same time I do think your husband should have had your back even he had simply just said, “That’s a little inappropriate, why don’t you stop”

  29. Fabulous says:

    I hate to say it but I agree with the majority here. I don’t think Sugar wanted her husband to fight to defend her honor but I do think that saying ANYTHING to the guy, even politely would have ended up in some kind of harsh words being hashed out or a fight. You can’t reason with drunk people and they have the tendency to take things in the wrong way and think that you are being aggressive when you are just trying to take the spotlight off of someone.

    My husband is the most laid back person I know in the world. He never gets jealous even when guys straight up hit on me and I’ve asked him before why he never says anything. His response is that he knows I can handle myself and if something were to ever go to far then he would step in.

    A lot of young girls now (think just legally clubbing age) tend to start fights in clubs/bars because her boyfriend won’t defend her honor in this sense. I think its up to you, as a woman, to not allow a man to talk to you in that manner. If you were upset about it you should have said something and you did. You took action to leave.

  30. Dan says:

    For some of you guys on here, there’s a word I’m thinking of. Rhymes with wussy.

  31. Man, I wish I could remember the particulars to my story, but it involved a guy in a bar who was drunk. He was saying some rude things to me in front of my husband, too. When my husband didn’t speak up in my behalf, I gave him “the look” and calmly walked out, got into the car, and drove away…my husband was left to run down the sidewalk after me. Heh, that was pretty funny :)

  32. Zig says:

    Look..I am all for a good fight. I love to beat the living shit out of people who cross me! I would not let any man talk to my wife as that Hillbilly spoke to the poster. I am a bit of a HOT HEAD! Alright, I am a total HOTHEAD/ASSHOLE! I would have beaten the guy to a bloody mess. However, this site is to provide GOOD advise… A smart man, like the poster’s husband, would walk away!

  33. Zig says:

    Jennifer, would you have preferred that your husband just took out his gun and shot the dumbass?

  34. NeoConDon says:

    Well someone finally got Zig to admit that he’s not a smart man…we already knew that, but it’s nice to know Zig knows it too.

  35. Zig says:

    Well well Well…NCD, you are a funny person to throw the “Not a smart man” lable at me! You can toss out any lable you want. Remember, I am not the one with six mouths to feed on a Public school teacher’s salary. Who is smart now, asshole? Smarts like mine don’t come out of a book. My smarts come from learning to deal with idiots like you all my life!

    And for the record…I said that the poster’s husband was a smart man. I never said “I wasn’t a smart man” also, idiot! See, two smart men can coexist in my world. It’s only in NCD world that there can be only one Smart man. And that smart man is NCD’s wife!

  36. mark smith says:

    If we are all about getting our points across, how about Sugar’s husband’s side of the story. I think that he might just be the non-confrontational nice guy that has the common sense to know when to walk away. I think we all know of one situation when cool heads prevailed and everyone walked away,dignity intact.

    I also know of situations when the “Nice Guy” got his ass beat simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Instead of blaming your husband for his lack of action, you could praise him for keeping a cool head and leaving when the time was right. Who’s idea was it to go to this party? That is who you should point the finger of blame at. I am guessing it was you. Maybe you should choose your friends better. You did good with choosing a good guy to marry. Be happy for that.

  37. Deb says:

    When the sot made the very first comment, hubby should have said to the idiot “Nice to meet you”, taken you by the arm/hand/hair and walked away.

    As for the stranger slapping the 2-year-old in WalMart, do you have his address so I can congratulate him?

  38. Sugar says:

    EVERYONE: MY HUSBAND DIDN’T WALK AWAY! I HAD TO TAKE HIS KEYS AND TELL HIM THAT WE WERE LEAVING! I HAD TO INITIATE THE LEAVING PART!

    You’re missing the point! What would you do if a total stranger came up to your significant other and started to say sexually explicit things to them? Wouldn’t you say ‘let’s go’ and walk away?

    Not once did my post suggest the solution was fighting or violence.

  39. NeoConDon says:

    I think sugar is missing the reality that 2 + 2 = 4…

    She asked us “What else did this man have to do in order for my husband to say something? Not start a fight, but say something?”

    It was nearly unanimous that if her husband said anything in this situation, it was likely he’d come across as if he’s starting a fight and he’d get his ass beat.

    Why is this so hard to understand and accept…???

  40. Sugar says:

    NCD- So if your wife was talked to like that,you would just keep talking to the guy? You wouldn’t attempt to even walk away?

    Mark Smith- It was not my choice to go to the party.

  41. NeoConDon says:

    I don’t know sugar…do I know him? Is he someone that the host wanted me to meet because he a wild man like me and he thought it would be funny. Maybe this guy actually thought you were hot, or maybe he thought you were the ugliest woman there and he wanted to make you feel good. Maybe your husband is one of the 50 million americans without health insurance, and he had a lead for a job there, and wanted to de-fuse the situation. Maybe you were annoying your husband all night, and this was a good way to get out of having sex with you because he figured you’d get mad for not defending your honor. I don’t know, but none of that really matters because your premise is flawed.

  42. mark smith says:

    Sugar, I will admit when I am wrong. Your husband needs to get better friends, and he should have at least told the guy he was out of line. Hind sight is 20-20 vision, and we all can play the should have- could have game. I would consider myself a good guy, but I also am very non-confrontational. I have never been in a fight, nor do I want to. I have a keen sense of avoidance during situations like the one you posted. It could have easily gone in a different direction, one which you seem to be avoiding. I managed bars and restaurants for a living, so I know that you can not negotiate with a drunk. There really isn’t an upside to calling this ignorant drunk jerk out for being who he really is. The right choice…whether it was you or your guy who initiated it, was to grab the keys and leave. You made the right choice, so be happy to party with a better group of friends another day. Case closed. Don’t let this one occasion ruin your relationship. Talk about it, let him get his points across, and get on with your happy life. Don’t live in the past, because there is nothing that can be done about it other than learning from it. For someone named Sugar, you could be a little more sweet.

  43. Tristan says:

    I still don’t see how a woman who makes it clear that she can take care of herself can possibly expect a man to be chivalrous just for the sake of being chivalrous. That makes it nothing more than a game.

    As long as women continue to glorify being a “bitch” and being strong and independent (think poor, lonely Beyonce), your average man is going to continue to be a sackless wonder when it comes to the defense of such trivial things as dignity. Why not? She doesn’t need him, she can take care of herself.

  44. Sugar says:

    I think the only reason I decided to actually write this “When is it Enough” post was due to an incident that happened way before this at my place of work. It got me thinking.

    There was a problem in another department. I had gone down there to see what had happened. As the employee was telling me the problem, he began to swear, but as soon as the words popped out of his mouth, the other guy said (and I quote), “Watch your mouth, there’s a lady present.” I have to say that it was refreshing to hear. I didn’t expect that. I guess that Baby Boomer learned more manners than the Cookout Generation X guy did.

  45. NeoConDon says:

    That’s completely different Sugar. You’re at work. No one’s drinking, and it’s inappropriate. No man could let that go.

  46. Sugar says:

    Oh, I see…..so you condone that it’s not ok to swear in front of a girl at work, but if that girl is at a party and someone starts to say sexual innapropriate things to her, then it’s ok. I see the male point of view now. Thanks for teaching me the error of my ways.

  47. NeoConDon says:

    It’s like talking to a wall. No wonder your husband kept his mouth shut…

  48. Fabulous says:

    Years and years ago I had gone out to a club with my boyfriend and some of his friends. It was about 3am and the place was closing down so while my boyfriend and friends were paying the tab I was sitting at a table just waiting.

    A random dude kissed me. I’m not talking a full on french kiss I’m just saying a random guy got in my face and planted a kiss on my lips and started to walk away.

    Should I have started to hoot and holler for my boyfriend to come defend my honor or should I have done something myself? I took the liberty of getting off the chair and grabbing the guy by the shirt and turning him around to slap him. I don’t need a man to defend me and neither do you Sugar.

    Standing up for yourself does not make you a bitch or any less girlie. I think it is so stupid when women sit around and let people take advantage of them or tease them or talk gross in front of them until someone can step up for her. A woman has to take care of herself because there will be times that a man isn’t there to protect her.

  49. […] loved the guest post from Sugar, who had an issue with the lack of reaction from her husband when confronted by a drunk […]

  50. Bob P says:

    Sugar, how would you feel if your hubby said something to the guy, to make you happy, and the guy pulled out a gun and blew him away. You see that is just how it happens in Bars all the it. How many guys are pushed into an altercation by the female they are with under circumstances like that.

    You don’t argue with drunks. They like showing off to their other drunk buddies. And CAN NOT be reasoned with. Your just like the other bar bitches. “My man must shed his blood just to prove himself to me”

    The person wronged here is your hubby.

    You’re more interested in your feeeling than you are about you and your hubbies satety.

  51. Sugar says:

    Bar bitches??? You sound like a real winner Bob P.

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